Today my new roommates are on vacation. So I have the new place all to myself for a week. This would normally mark me trying to figure out what to do with my week that would be fun that I normally couldn't do with them here. But other than throw a party, which I don't even want to do, and wouldn't out of respect anyway, I can't think of anything.
I've also been feeling rather lonely lately, and have been trying to figure out ways to see people and hang out and be more social, but I haven't been able to create any opportunities, and none have fallen in my lap either. I wonder if this week of solitude will help a little, as sometimes solitude seems to do, or if it will just intensify the feelings I'm having. I guess we'll see.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
In the new place
Much better living arrangement here. There's more space, it's quieter, and the only real complaint is the cats, which isn't really a complaint at all. Mal and Sammy seem to be tolerating each other for the most part. I was really worried that Sammy was going to be a big poop head when it came to getting along with Mal since this marks the first time he's ever had to live with another cat. I am surprised that Sammy seems to be completely content and at ease and I've only heard of him hissing once so far. Mal on the other hand doesn't really like Sammy, despite Sammy being really laid back and acting very passive/non-alpha. The few times I've seen the two of them in close quarters Sammy just lies on the ground and looks really calm and relaxed, and Mal is hissing and growling at him. I can't blame him, this is his house after all, and Sammy is something akin to an invader. I'm sure it will settle down though, Mal just needs to realize that Sammy is a non-threat. I just wish I knew how to get him to realize that. Anyway, I really hope Mal relaxes a bit, I really want him to be happy and relaxed like Sammy has been, and really hope it happens soon, for everyone's sake.
Had a good talk with ex-roommates. I think things will be fine now. We seem to get a long fine when we're not living together, and I think that over time we can be friends again. Me and my friend that is, I really doubt I'll ever want to see or talk to his wife again - even in the talk we had there was an air of "she did nothing wrong" even though the entire situation was completely her doing. I still can't believe how blind he can be to her lies, manipulations and craziness. Oh well, that's love I guess. I'm just happy that he's happy, even if that means I don't get to see him as much as I would like. /sigh
Had a good talk with ex-roommates. I think things will be fine now. We seem to get a long fine when we're not living together, and I think that over time we can be friends again. Me and my friend that is, I really doubt I'll ever want to see or talk to his wife again - even in the talk we had there was an air of "she did nothing wrong" even though the entire situation was completely her doing. I still can't believe how blind he can be to her lies, manipulations and craziness. Oh well, that's love I guess. I'm just happy that he's happy, even if that means I don't get to see him as much as I would like. /sigh
Monday, June 20, 2011
Invasion of Privacy
I can't begin to describe how annoyed I am right now. I want to say pissed-off but I'm too amazed at the balls it took to invade my privacy in such a way... So, I'm moving out of my room right now and into another room. I have most of my stuff packed. Only have some furniture and my computer still up since I don't have a car big enough to haul the bigger items. So, while I've been out the last while, either yesterday, or today at some point, my computer was used to print off some stuff without my permission.
I just don't even know what to say about this. After all the accusations of all the crap that I've supposedly done to her, and the passive aggressive implications of a whole bunch of other stuff that is apparently all my fault, she has the balls to use my printer. Or have her husband do it, since I wouldn't put it past her to make him do it so she has plausible denyability. Enough was printed that my brand new cyan and magenta ink cartridges are now at 50% each, and I'm completely out of blank ink. What. The. Fuck. ?
I'm speechless, well, sorta. I'm in a daze at least. I can't even fathom what twisted bullshit must be running through their minds that makes them think this is even remotely okay. Obviously they just honestly don't care about me at all, and have no more regard for me than some random person off the street. But, shit, I wouldn't even do stuff like that to people I don't know. I'm not even sure if I would do that kinda crap to someone I actively disliked. So I can't imagine what amount of utter lack of respect they must feel for me. I thought these people were my friends. I guess I just learned better. At least now I know. Thank god I'm out of here in a week or so.
I just don't even know what to say about this. After all the accusations of all the crap that I've supposedly done to her, and the passive aggressive implications of a whole bunch of other stuff that is apparently all my fault, she has the balls to use my printer. Or have her husband do it, since I wouldn't put it past her to make him do it so she has plausible denyability. Enough was printed that my brand new cyan and magenta ink cartridges are now at 50% each, and I'm completely out of blank ink. What. The. Fuck. ?
I'm speechless, well, sorta. I'm in a daze at least. I can't even fathom what twisted bullshit must be running through their minds that makes them think this is even remotely okay. Obviously they just honestly don't care about me at all, and have no more regard for me than some random person off the street. But, shit, I wouldn't even do stuff like that to people I don't know. I'm not even sure if I would do that kinda crap to someone I actively disliked. So I can't imagine what amount of utter lack of respect they must feel for me. I thought these people were my friends. I guess I just learned better. At least now I know. Thank god I'm out of here in a week or so.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Packing today is hard
I'm having a really really hard day today. For a few different reasons. Mainly it's this feeling of aloneness. I don't think there's anything that can make you feel more alone than packing up all your stuff, by yourself, to move away from what you've become familiar and comfortable with. It pretty much the same vibe as this article I read about feeling broken. It was about this Indian goddess, I don't recall the name, but it was long and I'm sure I would mispronounce it if I tried to say it out loud. Anyway, the point was about how this goddess represents the power that is inherent in lying on the ground in your room on the floor in a broken mess. the example they gave was "such as just after a break up". How droll I thought.
Anyway, the premise was that as you lie there, a broken mess on the ground, you are actually at your most powerful, that is, you are in a state of being that has the most potential. Because you are, at that point, not limited by what you thought you were, you can now rebuild yourself into whatever you want to be, because there are no strictures at that moment. The article was good, and I enjoyed it, but there was one line that really struck home with me. It said that when you distill it down to its very core, the reason breaking up (and this could be extended to moving, I'm sure) was so hard and so emotional is that it is a form of losing your future.
That struck me in a certain light that day, when I read it. I was amazed. I never quite understood why breaking up was so hard to do, even when you're not really happy in the relationship. You have a scene, an ideal, or even just a fantasy, in your head of what you think your life is going to play out like. You think you know whats going to happen, who you're going to be with, and for how long. You have plans. You have dreams. And many of them are shared with your partner. You have a future. And when you break up, that future, such as you imagined it, is now gone. ... And that's hard. But it's not the end of the world. you still have a future. And perhaps even a better one than previously supposed. But it is often hard to see that when you're on the ground in your room sobbing into a pillow.
Oddly enough, that is how my current living situation is. I'm not happy here, but I still find it incredibly depressing to be moving. I thought I was going to be happy here. I had planned on staying for at least 5 more months. I know that's not a lot, but having guarantees in life are comforting. Five months guaranteed is better than 5 years of "maybe", right? Well, I thought so, but as I type this, my roommates are coming home, and I am realizing that that is not the case. It was definitely comforting to have a future, such as it was, but I am not really happy here, and that makes all the difference.
The new place I'm moving to will have more room, my own bathroom, my own space, access to a kitchen that I don't necessarily have to share. the works. Now, keep in mind, I do have to share - I am technically just renting a room from a friend (a really good friend, and possibly my best friend at the moment), but their house has 2 bathrooms, 2 kitchens, 2 living rooms, etc. It's a nice house. And the best part? They won't invade my privacy by going in my room when I'm not home. they won't get upset at stuff that they imagine I have done, or let little things pile up until they explode and cause huge shouting matches. In short, they are reasonable, level headed people who act like adults and actually know how to communicate rather than just act like a child and give me the silent treatment. And then yell and scream and throw a tantrum when they don't get their way. More to the point, they will let their needs be known and not expect me to read their minds. And that is a glorious thing.
In short, I have been really really depressed today to the point of crying. But now that I think about it, I'm going to be changing from being "not really happy, but comfortable" into "unsure of my future, but happy". And to me, this giant pain in the butt of moving, the shouting matches, the crying... it's all worth it. Because now I have a chance at being a lot happier.
Anyway, the premise was that as you lie there, a broken mess on the ground, you are actually at your most powerful, that is, you are in a state of being that has the most potential. Because you are, at that point, not limited by what you thought you were, you can now rebuild yourself into whatever you want to be, because there are no strictures at that moment. The article was good, and I enjoyed it, but there was one line that really struck home with me. It said that when you distill it down to its very core, the reason breaking up (and this could be extended to moving, I'm sure) was so hard and so emotional is that it is a form of losing your future.
That struck me in a certain light that day, when I read it. I was amazed. I never quite understood why breaking up was so hard to do, even when you're not really happy in the relationship. You have a scene, an ideal, or even just a fantasy, in your head of what you think your life is going to play out like. You think you know whats going to happen, who you're going to be with, and for how long. You have plans. You have dreams. And many of them are shared with your partner. You have a future. And when you break up, that future, such as you imagined it, is now gone. ... And that's hard. But it's not the end of the world. you still have a future. And perhaps even a better one than previously supposed. But it is often hard to see that when you're on the ground in your room sobbing into a pillow.
Oddly enough, that is how my current living situation is. I'm not happy here, but I still find it incredibly depressing to be moving. I thought I was going to be happy here. I had planned on staying for at least 5 more months. I know that's not a lot, but having guarantees in life are comforting. Five months guaranteed is better than 5 years of "maybe", right? Well, I thought so, but as I type this, my roommates are coming home, and I am realizing that that is not the case. It was definitely comforting to have a future, such as it was, but I am not really happy here, and that makes all the difference.
The new place I'm moving to will have more room, my own bathroom, my own space, access to a kitchen that I don't necessarily have to share. the works. Now, keep in mind, I do have to share - I am technically just renting a room from a friend (a really good friend, and possibly my best friend at the moment), but their house has 2 bathrooms, 2 kitchens, 2 living rooms, etc. It's a nice house. And the best part? They won't invade my privacy by going in my room when I'm not home. they won't get upset at stuff that they imagine I have done, or let little things pile up until they explode and cause huge shouting matches. In short, they are reasonable, level headed people who act like adults and actually know how to communicate rather than just act like a child and give me the silent treatment. And then yell and scream and throw a tantrum when they don't get their way. More to the point, they will let their needs be known and not expect me to read their minds. And that is a glorious thing.
In short, I have been really really depressed today to the point of crying. But now that I think about it, I'm going to be changing from being "not really happy, but comfortable" into "unsure of my future, but happy". And to me, this giant pain in the butt of moving, the shouting matches, the crying... it's all worth it. Because now I have a chance at being a lot happier.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Longing
So, this morning I talked to my Mom, and my Grandma. It was good to chat with them both, especially since we didn't discuss any of my money issues. I hate having money issues and I feel bad that half the time I talk to my family that it ends up being the topic of conversation. However, now that I am done with my forms that needed filling out for the Dr.'s appointment I have today, I am left sitting here with nothing to do but think.
I will of course need to write up the paper I have that's due today at some point today, and email it in, and I will go see if any of the local restaurants are hiring bus boys, but for now, I seem to be stuck, in my head anyway. Oddly enough, much as I still have thoughts and craziness about moving dancing through my head, and how I'm going to live, and what to do about money if I can't find a job fast enough, but my mind keeps going back to one thing, over and over, amidst all the other thoughts that make perfect sense at the moment.
So, I talked to that girl again (finally) yesterday.I know I keep referring to her as that girl, which I suppose isn't very nice, but I don't want to name her, just in case. Although, thinking back, maybe I already did... Crap, well, anyway, screw it, her name is Thorn. So, I talked to Thorn yesterday on the phone. And now, I can't stop thinking about her again. We had a really nice conversation, and it lasted a really long time, although it felt really short. Time flies. Upon checking the call log it certainly didn't seem like 90 minutes.
Anyway, the point is, I really want to talk to her again. Now. But I can't. I don't want to text or call. I don't want to leave her an email. I mean, I want to, I really want to. But I shouldn't, so I wont. Besides, she'll probably read this, and that will makes thing complicated enough as it is. We agreed that it would be better and easier for us to have minimal contact, mainly because she wants to give her current relationship an honest and real second chance, 100%, nothing half-assed. And I completely respect that, and wish them the best. In a way. I can't help but be human, and humans are selfish, and so there is that little kernel of hope that maybe she'll come back to me. But I really do send them my best wishes.
That being said however, I am hurting right now. It really sucks not being able to talk to her, to tell her how much I miss her every day, how often I think about her, and how crushing this sometimes can feel. Funny I should use that word. Crushing. Crushed. About a week ago, I was in ASL class and was thinking of her. At that exact moment I was thinking of how much fun we had one day while walking and talking, and a classmate got my attention and pulled me out of my day dream to ask me what was wrong. Apparently, according to her, I looked "crushed". It kinda caught me off guard, I generally tend to be on the easy side of my emotions being readable by others, but I figured since I was thinking of a good memory that I would look happy at that moment. But apparently I was missing that moment more than i was relishing the memory, and it showed. I also had my teacher ask me what was wrong, and he commented 3 times that week about how sad I looked.
I think I've been doing better lately, no one has told me I look like hell this week, so either I'm hiding it better, or maybe slowly getting over it, or maybe I just have other things to worry about now. I suspect all three are true to varying degrees. But that doesn't stop me from wishing I had another chance. It doesn't stop me from opening my phone, typing a text to her, and then deleting it. Over and Over. It doesn't stop me from longing to see her, and talk to her, and touch her and hold her. Sometimes I wish I was a robot - that way I wouldn't have to feel. I know that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, and I believe it, and I stick by it. But knowing that doesn't make right now, dealing with loss, any easier. Knowing that a hardship is only temporary doesn't make the hardship any less hard. But I guess it's nice to have hope. Sorta.
Ok, I think I'm done being emo now. Well, I'm done for now anyway.
I will of course need to write up the paper I have that's due today at some point today, and email it in, and I will go see if any of the local restaurants are hiring bus boys, but for now, I seem to be stuck, in my head anyway. Oddly enough, much as I still have thoughts and craziness about moving dancing through my head, and how I'm going to live, and what to do about money if I can't find a job fast enough, but my mind keeps going back to one thing, over and over, amidst all the other thoughts that make perfect sense at the moment.
So, I talked to that girl again (finally) yesterday.I know I keep referring to her as that girl, which I suppose isn't very nice, but I don't want to name her, just in case. Although, thinking back, maybe I already did... Crap, well, anyway, screw it, her name is Thorn. So, I talked to Thorn yesterday on the phone. And now, I can't stop thinking about her again. We had a really nice conversation, and it lasted a really long time, although it felt really short. Time flies. Upon checking the call log it certainly didn't seem like 90 minutes.
Anyway, the point is, I really want to talk to her again. Now. But I can't. I don't want to text or call. I don't want to leave her an email. I mean, I want to, I really want to. But I shouldn't, so I wont. Besides, she'll probably read this, and that will makes thing complicated enough as it is. We agreed that it would be better and easier for us to have minimal contact, mainly because she wants to give her current relationship an honest and real second chance, 100%, nothing half-assed. And I completely respect that, and wish them the best. In a way. I can't help but be human, and humans are selfish, and so there is that little kernel of hope that maybe she'll come back to me. But I really do send them my best wishes.
That being said however, I am hurting right now. It really sucks not being able to talk to her, to tell her how much I miss her every day, how often I think about her, and how crushing this sometimes can feel. Funny I should use that word. Crushing. Crushed. About a week ago, I was in ASL class and was thinking of her. At that exact moment I was thinking of how much fun we had one day while walking and talking, and a classmate got my attention and pulled me out of my day dream to ask me what was wrong. Apparently, according to her, I looked "crushed". It kinda caught me off guard, I generally tend to be on the easy side of my emotions being readable by others, but I figured since I was thinking of a good memory that I would look happy at that moment. But apparently I was missing that moment more than i was relishing the memory, and it showed. I also had my teacher ask me what was wrong, and he commented 3 times that week about how sad I looked.
I think I've been doing better lately, no one has told me I look like hell this week, so either I'm hiding it better, or maybe slowly getting over it, or maybe I just have other things to worry about now. I suspect all three are true to varying degrees. But that doesn't stop me from wishing I had another chance. It doesn't stop me from opening my phone, typing a text to her, and then deleting it. Over and Over. It doesn't stop me from longing to see her, and talk to her, and touch her and hold her. Sometimes I wish I was a robot - that way I wouldn't have to feel. I know that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, and I believe it, and I stick by it. But knowing that doesn't make right now, dealing with loss, any easier. Knowing that a hardship is only temporary doesn't make the hardship any less hard. But I guess it's nice to have hope. Sorta.
Ok, I think I'm done being emo now. Well, I'm done for now anyway.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Moving again
So, I will be moving from my current apartment into a room with some good friends of mine in Tumwater. I will be putting most of my stuff into storage, but I am hoping to be able to keep some of my personal stuff with me, just for the sake of feeling connected and not quite so ungrounded. Sammy will of course be coming with me, but since there is already a cat living where I am moving to, it will be an interesting situation since neither Sammy nor Mal (the other cat) have ever had to live with another animal. I expect I'll have some more scars before I'm done in the new place.
Today was a very interesting day. I woke up rather early, but decided to lie in bed for a while, lazily drifting in and out of sleep from about 5am. I was mostly sleeping in the beginning but as time wore on I was mostly awake, but didn't really feel like getting up. I still don't have a job, so I should have gotten up and gotten ready and been productive, but the last few days have been stressful, which I will explain shortly, so I felt a little rest would do me good.
As I lie there, I could tell that my roommates door was open because I could hear them talking, and after rolling over I could see it as well. They were up early and playing WoW. The kids were apparently still asleep, or at school. So around 9 I got up, I grabbed my towel, and I was hoping for a nice day, it wouldn't take much to make it nice I decided, just having no stress, emo-explosions, or shouting matches around the house would be all it took, and I would be satisfied. Unfortunately, shortly after my feet hit the carpet, my roommates door was closed.
This happens often. Almost every day when I get home from school, as I say hi to Sammy, who greets me at the door, I hear their bedroom door close. It is apparently fine to have open so long as I'm not around, but as soon as I am home, the door needs to be closed. Not because there's anything going on in there, mind you, all they are doing is playing WoW. that's pretty much all they ever do really, at least as far as I can tell. But it serves as a physical barrier from me, and a reminder that I am not welcome in the house, or at the very least, only welcome to live and sleep there, but not welcome enough to see or talk to anyone else that resides there.
So, the door closed before I even had my towel and soap in my hand to head across the hall to jump in the shower. I could tell the day was already off to a bad start. I had told myself to let everything die down from the shouting match from a few days ago, and that if we all just talked that it would be ok. But, I could see that talking was not an option. So, I resolved to fix the problem the only way I could see how. I needed to leave, to move out. I had already discussed with some friends of mine the possibility of staying at their place in the event that I actually needed to move out, but was hoping that I wouldn't need to move, since it's such a pain in the butt. Alas, I could see now that moving was really my only option if I wanted to salvage what was left of my friendship with my roommate. I had, by this point, given up on the idea of staying friends with my roommates wife, as she... well, she can't stand me.
I can see this is going to be a long post...
Anyway, so I took my shower, Got ready, checked my email, and then walked over to the apartment managers office and talked to them about what needed to be done so that I could move out with the least amount of inconvenience to my roommates, and the safest for me. you see, I am a bit concerned about my belongings since the vast majority of the apt is furnished with my stuff. They have a nice couch, and entertainment center and some end tables, along with their own beds and kitchen table, but the coffee table in the living room, the breakfast table and 2 matching chairs, kitchen shelving rack, most of the dishes, the entertainment center, bookshelf and coffee table in the kids room, and the 2 chairs, 1 dresser and 1 desk in their room are all mine. And everything in my room of course. I want to be sure that there will be no argument as to what belongs to me, and make sure that whats mine stays in good condition until I move out.
So the manager explains that all I need to do is sign a form, and get them to sign it too, which removes my name from the lease. What this basically does is says that after 20 days, I no longer have rights to enter the apt, no longer have any rights to any portion of the deposit and have to be gone in 20 days. All good news for her - I'll be history, and out of her hair, which is pretty much her dream come true near as I can tell. The form also relieves me of any legal obligations if they were to not pay rent for some reason in the future - since I wont be living there anymore.
So I take the form home. I sit for a moment and think about knocking on their door, but decide that might be a bad idea because it would feel like an invasion, so I wait a little while to see if anyone comes out. I had expected to be waiting for quite some time, but my friend came out of the room with some dishes, so I felt this was my chance to just give a quit heads up that we all needed to talk. I let him know that I was doing this out of a desire to retain our friendship as much as possible, such as it could be at this point, and to make the situation as easy as possible for everyone. I explained that basically his friendship was more important to me than having a place to live, and that I would be going elsewhere so as not to cause any other further conflicts which were, at this point, pretty much a given.
He asked where I would be staying or if I had a place to go, and I explained that I was going to have to put all my stuff in storage but that I had arranged for a place to stay temporarily. So he said ok, and went back into the room, and I went back to my room. A little while later, after they had time to talk, and had come out of the room and were in the kitchen, I came out with the form and asked that they sign it so we could get all this settled with as little pain as possible, and for the benefit and reduced stress of all.
I was of course treated like a child, as is her way with pretty much everyone I have ever seen her interact with. "Sign what?" - "The release of roommate form." - "Whats that?" - I explain - "Why would I sign that?" - "I thought he would have told you." - "Well you shouldn't assume" - and the bickering goes back and forth for a while of me trying to just ask politely if she would sign the paper and we could all move on with our lives like reasonable adults. She of course refused to sign. With a raised voice and temper, threatening me (who was about 6 feet away with a piece of paper in my hands, a level voice and being very polite) that if I didn't get out of her face she would punch me in mine. And further threatening to sue me for each month of rent that they had to pay where I was still on the lease if I tried to leave.
I am proud of myself, I didn't get upset, I remained calm, and composed. I wanted to get pissed, I wanted to shout back, but I knew that no amount of reason, fact or logic would help, and shouting and yelling would just make matters worse, so I just remained quiet while she yelled and threatened, and then ultimately went to her bedroom and slammed the door. Again.
I wonder if there's a character count limit on these posts.
So I went back to the rental office, let them know that she wouldn't sign it, and asked what to do after explaining what had just happened. They said I needed to call the police because it was a hostile situation and I had been threatened. They also explained that there was absolutely nothing they could do to help. The only thing they could do was to reexplain that everything rested on the signing of that form. And they insisted that I call the cops.
So, I went back to the apt with the form. Came in the front door and was able to observe a rant being directed at her brother (who also lives here) about how I walked all over her like a rug and she was tired of being treated like a throw rug and how I was such a bad person and a piece of garbage of a person. After letting her talk a bit, since she didn't know I had come back, I found a break in her ranting and interjected that if I'm such a horrible person, and she can't stand me, then sign the paper and be rid of me, and all her problems would be solved.
She of course still refused citing how dare I presume to get out of the lease agreement, and that she wouldn't sign on principal. "It's the idea of it." I believe were the exact words. After which she stormed off and slammed the bedroom door again. No amount of me talking calmly and asking questions, and treating her like an adult had any sway at all. this was not like talking to a rational adult, it wasn't even like talking to an irrational child. It was more akin to attempting to establish a meaningful discourse with a crazy person. Literally - a paranoid, delusional, crazy person. You may say I'm over reacting or name calling, but I actually do have some experience with this, I have dealt with someone who was exactly that before, and it was causing an odd sense of deja vu.
I could see that this was going nowhere, and so explained to my friend that the managers wanted me to call the cops and I really didn't want to do that. I felt it was over the top and didn't see where it would help the situation at all, but that I was worried and concerned for my rights, and would really appreciate it if he could talk to her, and get her to sign it so that we wouldn't have to deal with all the messiness of involving police in what should be a very simple and easy matter.
She of course freaked out at that and accused me of trying to blackmail her. Claiming I was threatening to call the cops if she didn't sign. Which, I suppose in a round about sort of way was true if you looked at it from a rather skewed point of view, it really didn't hold water, and was the final straw that made me realize that this was never going to work out amicably. So I kissed my kitty and patted him on the head and told him i would be back soon, and left. I stopped by the school to turn in my puny award letter, which said I would be getting less than a third of what I needed and was used to getting, due to the budget cuts in this state (that's a different story). Then I headed down to the police station. I talked with a nice, albeit standoffish officer, who after taking my statement said that she would need to call and talk to her (my friends wife) and it would most likely result in me needing to press charges and/or call 911 if it escalated again when I got back home.
There was a definite air about the conversation that made it obvious to me that what my friends wife had done was about to land her in really really hot water. So, being the (too) nice guy that I am, I explained that the situation should be ok and that I didn't want her to get in any trouble and that I would go back home and try to reason with her one more time, and if there was any other problems that we could deal with them when the time came and to please not talk to or arrest my friends wife. She said ok, but let me know that all I had to do was call and they would come out and "mediate" the situation.
My hands are getting tired.
I came home, and got a phone call. From the girl from previous posts, the one who I still care about but didn't "pick" me. We talked for a long time. It was a good talk. I feel like maybe I did a little too much talking and should've done more listening, but I was so happy to actually talk to her again that I couldn't seem to stop myself. Anyway, it was a good chat, and I really hope that she and I can talk again sometime real soon. And if I'm super duper lucky, maybe I'll see her soon. Anyway, so after walking around the parking lot and talking to her for about an hour or so, I went home. Lo and behold, the form was sitting on my desk signed. We wont get into the fact that they routinely invade my privacy by going into and looking around in my room. I was just happy it was signed. So I went and turned it in to the office, who was very happy to see that the drama had been resolved, for now, more or less.
I got a few copies of the form, put one on the counter for them, and I am now looking for boxes so I can start packing and moving. I never imagined that moving in with, or out from, my friend would be such a pain. I had no idea the extent to which some people are just downright ... disagreeable. I have no idea what she thinks I did to make her feel like I "walked all over her", or talked shit about her behind her back (that was the emo-explosion from a few days ago), or did anything wrong in any way.
I keep all my dirty clothes and dishes in my room, I wash them all myself, by hand as soon as I'm done with them, as well as dry them and put them away immediately, I never leave messes of any sort anywhere in the house at all. I'm quiet, generally stay in my room, and use headphones when listening to music or watching movies, both of which are also done in my room. I keep my towels from taking showers in my room to dry, since there is often not room in the bathroom to hang them. I'm just stumped. I guess there is truth in that old cliche that you just cant please some people no matter what you do.
I could keep ranting about how crazy she is and how she all paranoid and delusional and crotchety and stuff with space madness, and how it breaks the heart, but that isnt gonna help anyone, and probably wont be very interesting to read, or write, so... meh.
Now I just need to focus on packing, moving, finding a job, and figuring out what to do about my increasingly horrendous money issues. And then can't forget to stay in that frame of mind once I get there, because I'll need to find a new place to live and a new place to work in Seattle in a few short months, all over again.
Today was a very interesting day. I woke up rather early, but decided to lie in bed for a while, lazily drifting in and out of sleep from about 5am. I was mostly sleeping in the beginning but as time wore on I was mostly awake, but didn't really feel like getting up. I still don't have a job, so I should have gotten up and gotten ready and been productive, but the last few days have been stressful, which I will explain shortly, so I felt a little rest would do me good.
As I lie there, I could tell that my roommates door was open because I could hear them talking, and after rolling over I could see it as well. They were up early and playing WoW. The kids were apparently still asleep, or at school. So around 9 I got up, I grabbed my towel, and I was hoping for a nice day, it wouldn't take much to make it nice I decided, just having no stress, emo-explosions, or shouting matches around the house would be all it took, and I would be satisfied. Unfortunately, shortly after my feet hit the carpet, my roommates door was closed.
This happens often. Almost every day when I get home from school, as I say hi to Sammy, who greets me at the door, I hear their bedroom door close. It is apparently fine to have open so long as I'm not around, but as soon as I am home, the door needs to be closed. Not because there's anything going on in there, mind you, all they are doing is playing WoW. that's pretty much all they ever do really, at least as far as I can tell. But it serves as a physical barrier from me, and a reminder that I am not welcome in the house, or at the very least, only welcome to live and sleep there, but not welcome enough to see or talk to anyone else that resides there.
So, the door closed before I even had my towel and soap in my hand to head across the hall to jump in the shower. I could tell the day was already off to a bad start. I had told myself to let everything die down from the shouting match from a few days ago, and that if we all just talked that it would be ok. But, I could see that talking was not an option. So, I resolved to fix the problem the only way I could see how. I needed to leave, to move out. I had already discussed with some friends of mine the possibility of staying at their place in the event that I actually needed to move out, but was hoping that I wouldn't need to move, since it's such a pain in the butt. Alas, I could see now that moving was really my only option if I wanted to salvage what was left of my friendship with my roommate. I had, by this point, given up on the idea of staying friends with my roommates wife, as she... well, she can't stand me.
I can see this is going to be a long post...
Anyway, so I took my shower, Got ready, checked my email, and then walked over to the apartment managers office and talked to them about what needed to be done so that I could move out with the least amount of inconvenience to my roommates, and the safest for me. you see, I am a bit concerned about my belongings since the vast majority of the apt is furnished with my stuff. They have a nice couch, and entertainment center and some end tables, along with their own beds and kitchen table, but the coffee table in the living room, the breakfast table and 2 matching chairs, kitchen shelving rack, most of the dishes, the entertainment center, bookshelf and coffee table in the kids room, and the 2 chairs, 1 dresser and 1 desk in their room are all mine. And everything in my room of course. I want to be sure that there will be no argument as to what belongs to me, and make sure that whats mine stays in good condition until I move out.
So the manager explains that all I need to do is sign a form, and get them to sign it too, which removes my name from the lease. What this basically does is says that after 20 days, I no longer have rights to enter the apt, no longer have any rights to any portion of the deposit and have to be gone in 20 days. All good news for her - I'll be history, and out of her hair, which is pretty much her dream come true near as I can tell. The form also relieves me of any legal obligations if they were to not pay rent for some reason in the future - since I wont be living there anymore.
So I take the form home. I sit for a moment and think about knocking on their door, but decide that might be a bad idea because it would feel like an invasion, so I wait a little while to see if anyone comes out. I had expected to be waiting for quite some time, but my friend came out of the room with some dishes, so I felt this was my chance to just give a quit heads up that we all needed to talk. I let him know that I was doing this out of a desire to retain our friendship as much as possible, such as it could be at this point, and to make the situation as easy as possible for everyone. I explained that basically his friendship was more important to me than having a place to live, and that I would be going elsewhere so as not to cause any other further conflicts which were, at this point, pretty much a given.
He asked where I would be staying or if I had a place to go, and I explained that I was going to have to put all my stuff in storage but that I had arranged for a place to stay temporarily. So he said ok, and went back into the room, and I went back to my room. A little while later, after they had time to talk, and had come out of the room and were in the kitchen, I came out with the form and asked that they sign it so we could get all this settled with as little pain as possible, and for the benefit and reduced stress of all.
I was of course treated like a child, as is her way with pretty much everyone I have ever seen her interact with. "Sign what?" - "The release of roommate form." - "Whats that?" - I explain - "Why would I sign that?" - "I thought he would have told you." - "Well you shouldn't assume" - and the bickering goes back and forth for a while of me trying to just ask politely if she would sign the paper and we could all move on with our lives like reasonable adults. She of course refused to sign. With a raised voice and temper, threatening me (who was about 6 feet away with a piece of paper in my hands, a level voice and being very polite) that if I didn't get out of her face she would punch me in mine. And further threatening to sue me for each month of rent that they had to pay where I was still on the lease if I tried to leave.
I am proud of myself, I didn't get upset, I remained calm, and composed. I wanted to get pissed, I wanted to shout back, but I knew that no amount of reason, fact or logic would help, and shouting and yelling would just make matters worse, so I just remained quiet while she yelled and threatened, and then ultimately went to her bedroom and slammed the door. Again.
I wonder if there's a character count limit on these posts.
So I went back to the rental office, let them know that she wouldn't sign it, and asked what to do after explaining what had just happened. They said I needed to call the police because it was a hostile situation and I had been threatened. They also explained that there was absolutely nothing they could do to help. The only thing they could do was to reexplain that everything rested on the signing of that form. And they insisted that I call the cops.
So, I went back to the apt with the form. Came in the front door and was able to observe a rant being directed at her brother (who also lives here) about how I walked all over her like a rug and she was tired of being treated like a throw rug and how I was such a bad person and a piece of garbage of a person. After letting her talk a bit, since she didn't know I had come back, I found a break in her ranting and interjected that if I'm such a horrible person, and she can't stand me, then sign the paper and be rid of me, and all her problems would be solved.
She of course still refused citing how dare I presume to get out of the lease agreement, and that she wouldn't sign on principal. "It's the idea of it." I believe were the exact words. After which she stormed off and slammed the bedroom door again. No amount of me talking calmly and asking questions, and treating her like an adult had any sway at all. this was not like talking to a rational adult, it wasn't even like talking to an irrational child. It was more akin to attempting to establish a meaningful discourse with a crazy person. Literally - a paranoid, delusional, crazy person. You may say I'm over reacting or name calling, but I actually do have some experience with this, I have dealt with someone who was exactly that before, and it was causing an odd sense of deja vu.
I could see that this was going nowhere, and so explained to my friend that the managers wanted me to call the cops and I really didn't want to do that. I felt it was over the top and didn't see where it would help the situation at all, but that I was worried and concerned for my rights, and would really appreciate it if he could talk to her, and get her to sign it so that we wouldn't have to deal with all the messiness of involving police in what should be a very simple and easy matter.
She of course freaked out at that and accused me of trying to blackmail her. Claiming I was threatening to call the cops if she didn't sign. Which, I suppose in a round about sort of way was true if you looked at it from a rather skewed point of view, it really didn't hold water, and was the final straw that made me realize that this was never going to work out amicably. So I kissed my kitty and patted him on the head and told him i would be back soon, and left. I stopped by the school to turn in my puny award letter, which said I would be getting less than a third of what I needed and was used to getting, due to the budget cuts in this state (that's a different story). Then I headed down to the police station. I talked with a nice, albeit standoffish officer, who after taking my statement said that she would need to call and talk to her (my friends wife) and it would most likely result in me needing to press charges and/or call 911 if it escalated again when I got back home.
There was a definite air about the conversation that made it obvious to me that what my friends wife had done was about to land her in really really hot water. So, being the (too) nice guy that I am, I explained that the situation should be ok and that I didn't want her to get in any trouble and that I would go back home and try to reason with her one more time, and if there was any other problems that we could deal with them when the time came and to please not talk to or arrest my friends wife. She said ok, but let me know that all I had to do was call and they would come out and "mediate" the situation.
My hands are getting tired.
I came home, and got a phone call. From the girl from previous posts, the one who I still care about but didn't "pick" me. We talked for a long time. It was a good talk. I feel like maybe I did a little too much talking and should've done more listening, but I was so happy to actually talk to her again that I couldn't seem to stop myself. Anyway, it was a good chat, and I really hope that she and I can talk again sometime real soon. And if I'm super duper lucky, maybe I'll see her soon. Anyway, so after walking around the parking lot and talking to her for about an hour or so, I went home. Lo and behold, the form was sitting on my desk signed. We wont get into the fact that they routinely invade my privacy by going into and looking around in my room. I was just happy it was signed. So I went and turned it in to the office, who was very happy to see that the drama had been resolved, for now, more or less.
I got a few copies of the form, put one on the counter for them, and I am now looking for boxes so I can start packing and moving. I never imagined that moving in with, or out from, my friend would be such a pain. I had no idea the extent to which some people are just downright ... disagreeable. I have no idea what she thinks I did to make her feel like I "walked all over her", or talked shit about her behind her back (that was the emo-explosion from a few days ago), or did anything wrong in any way.
I keep all my dirty clothes and dishes in my room, I wash them all myself, by hand as soon as I'm done with them, as well as dry them and put them away immediately, I never leave messes of any sort anywhere in the house at all. I'm quiet, generally stay in my room, and use headphones when listening to music or watching movies, both of which are also done in my room. I keep my towels from taking showers in my room to dry, since there is often not room in the bathroom to hang them. I'm just stumped. I guess there is truth in that old cliche that you just cant please some people no matter what you do.
I could keep ranting about how crazy she is and how she all paranoid and delusional and crotchety and stuff with space madness, and how it breaks the heart, but that isnt gonna help anyone, and probably wont be very interesting to read, or write, so... meh.
Now I just need to focus on packing, moving, finding a job, and figuring out what to do about my increasingly horrendous money issues. And then can't forget to stay in that frame of mind once I get there, because I'll need to find a new place to live and a new place to work in Seattle in a few short months, all over again.
Monday, June 13, 2011
I did not write this...
But I wanted to post it here just in case the original disappears so that I have it somewhere "safe", but mostly because it makes me very happy, and very sad at the same time, but mostly happy. I hope the author doesn't mind me posting it...
*****
*****
I think it will rain tonight.
This alternation of rain
and sun
is exhausting me.
The sunburned skin, tired legs,
and heavy lungs of rain days—
the hysterical joy
of sun days, reckless
walking for hours, without direction,
laughing too hard, wanting more
than I am allowed to have,
gorging then, and
the next day, starved.
Tonight it will rain—
I can feel it in my body,
my chest aching again,
as if from breathing in the cold,
my head overfull, too heavy.
But tomorrow there will be sun,
that’s expected.
Tomorrow, again
madness, ecstacy, too much
happiness,
a sudden energy pulled from me
quickly as it is generated,
as if I am a battery, charged
and uncharged,
in constant rotation,
never still,
always in flux.
Do you feel this too, the bright on,
dark off, cycling
like an electrical
current that flows in and out of you
with the sun, the rain,
with seeing one another
yesterday, not today—
but tomorrow?
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Quick update
Didn't get the job, didn't get the girl. But at least I'm not sick.
It was a bit of an emotional roller coaster the last month. I don't think I've fallen for anyone that hard and that fast before. Not sure if I will again. It was pretty awesome, and tons of fun while it lasted. Twitterpation is always fun, and feeling attractive is always an awesome feeling as well. Especially when you seem so perfect for each other beyond the twitterpation effect, like personality and interests and goals and all that. Alas, you can't live in wonderland forever.
It was nice, in a way, that we ended the relationship before the 'new relationship energy' wore off. That way we have nothing but good memories to look back on, in essence making it the perfect relationship in my brain. However, it also made it the most painful break-up I've had since .... I'm not even sure - high school maybe, mainly because neither of us actually wanted to break-up, but we were both adult enough to realize that it wasn't going to work, mainly due to the fact that she couldn't bring herself to leave her significant other, despite the amazing amount of chemistry and feelings we had for one another.
We have agreed to remain friends and keep in touch because we both want to remain in each others lives, we are just too perfect together to completely disappear, but for now have agreed to take a break from contact while she repairs her relationship. Some day, in the future, who knows how long from now, we will definitely reconnect, either as just friends, or possibly as lovers. Only time will tell.
As a side note, I will be moving to Seattle for school, most likely in December of this year. So, if anyone out there in my expansive list of 2 followers happens to know of a place i can live very temporarily until I can find a job and then move into my own place, let me know. Presumably the job market is much better up in Seattle than it is down here, not to mention that I'll be looking a lot harder for work once I move up there than I have been down here, much as I hate to admit that.
Anyway, here's hoping I blog a little more often, about happier things.
It was a bit of an emotional roller coaster the last month. I don't think I've fallen for anyone that hard and that fast before. Not sure if I will again. It was pretty awesome, and tons of fun while it lasted. Twitterpation is always fun, and feeling attractive is always an awesome feeling as well. Especially when you seem so perfect for each other beyond the twitterpation effect, like personality and interests and goals and all that. Alas, you can't live in wonderland forever.
It was nice, in a way, that we ended the relationship before the 'new relationship energy' wore off. That way we have nothing but good memories to look back on, in essence making it the perfect relationship in my brain. However, it also made it the most painful break-up I've had since .... I'm not even sure - high school maybe, mainly because neither of us actually wanted to break-up, but we were both adult enough to realize that it wasn't going to work, mainly due to the fact that she couldn't bring herself to leave her significant other, despite the amazing amount of chemistry and feelings we had for one another.
We have agreed to remain friends and keep in touch because we both want to remain in each others lives, we are just too perfect together to completely disappear, but for now have agreed to take a break from contact while she repairs her relationship. Some day, in the future, who knows how long from now, we will definitely reconnect, either as just friends, or possibly as lovers. Only time will tell.
As a side note, I will be moving to Seattle for school, most likely in December of this year. So, if anyone out there in my expansive list of 2 followers happens to know of a place i can live very temporarily until I can find a job and then move into my own place, let me know. Presumably the job market is much better up in Seattle than it is down here, not to mention that I'll be looking a lot harder for work once I move up there than I have been down here, much as I hate to admit that.
Anyway, here's hoping I blog a little more often, about happier things.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I hate being sick.
So yesterday I got home from school around 11:00, and wasn't feeling to great, so I climbed into bed. After only 2 or 3 interruptions I woke up around 6p and realized I had a massive fever. So I took a hot shower, ate a little bit, watched a movie, and then went back to bed, and didn't wake up this morning until about 10a. I feel much better now, but we shall see how I'm doing later tonight. I missed all my classes today. Which is lame, but I suppose it's better to miss one day and get well, than to drag myself in, and then prolong the sickness for a week and then possibly miss more if I were to get worse. So here's hoping I'm done with that crud.
I have applied (a while ago) to a job, and have had 2 interviews, so I am waiting with baited breath for them to call me back and see when I can start. I really really really hope I get the job.
And I'll be seeing the girl [from the previous post] on thursday. I can't wait. Here's hoping I'm well by then.
I have applied (a while ago) to a job, and have had 2 interviews, so I am waiting with baited breath for them to call me back and see when I can start. I really really really hope I get the job.
And I'll be seeing the girl [from the previous post] on thursday. I can't wait. Here's hoping I'm well by then.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Been a while, so here's an update.
I knew this would happen, I'm really bad about blogging in a consistent manner. I told myself to remember to do it. But I didn't. I'm not 100% certain what caused the break down of mental process that would normally have kept me on track. I think it was WoW (world of warcraft for you uninitiated few). I hate that game. Mainly because I enjoy it so much. Ok, wait, lets be honest, I don't really hate or enjoy it all that much. It's just comfortable to keep playing it, and easier to sit down and log in than it is to get up and go find something to do that's as mind numbingly easy to do. It's too easy to get sucked into, and that's the core of the problem. Let me see if I can explain.
So, as a "poor starving student", entertainment is at a premium in my life. By that I mean that I don't have much of it, and what I do have is usually very expensive, even if it's cheap, that's expensive. Free is pretty much the only affordable thing I can really get away with. So wow is kind of a godsend in a way. Where going to see a movie in the theater is about $15, eating out is about $15 bucks, and going to a bar and ordering only 2 or 3 drinks is $15+, you end up spending a lot of money if you do it more than once a month. Let alone weekly or daily. So when wow costs only $15 for an entire month, you understand where this can be a big selling point. Now, take that comparatively very low cost for an entire moth of entertainment, any time you feel like it, and combine it with a tendency to hermit myself away and a further tendency to become rather engrossed in the game; and then add all that to the game being the sort of setup where you feel obligated, no.... you feel it's necessary to get on and play it on a daily basis for fear of letting down your online friends and or missing out on something, including missing an event and "falling behind the curve", and you have your self a recipe for social disaster. And by that I mean, never getting up from your desk and living in what some people might call "real life". I won't get into the argument some people might make about wow and other virtual worlds being just as real. That will have to be a topic for another blog on another day.
So, anyway, point is, I quit playing wow. Again. Moving on.
I met a girl. I like her. A lot. And that's the understatement of the month, and possibly of the year. Or longer. Like most good things in life, this beast fights back. The situation, not the girl, she's not a beast. It's the kind of beast of a situation that you desperately hope it would work out well, and in your favor, and you really wish the beast would come along easily and quietly, but of course, it won't. It has to be ... complicated.
She likes me just as much as I like her, or so she tells me. She confesses that she is torn between pursuing the possibility of a fairy-tale romance and life with me, or sticking it out with her boyfriend of 2 years and much history. She and I hit it off extremely well, so well in fact that it was a little unsettling. It was the kind of set up that you see in the movies or read in the not-so-trashy romance novels that you groan at and say "that never happens". All kinds of sparks, and rainbows, and macaroni and glitter flying every which way. We talked for days straight when we met, literally, we only really paused for sleep. Somewhere in the middle of those days she let me know she has a boyfriend, which I took in stride, but it didn't seem to phase either of us, she kept talking to me, and we couldn't seem to get enough of each other. And we haven't even kissed yet, let alone anything else.
After our opening salvo of four days of not getting enough of each other, a little less than a week later to be precise, we saw each other again and had an amazing day walking around Seattle.. And then we saw each other again 1 week later and had such a good time we lost track of time. Not that that is so unusual, but it was a very strict time limit because she needed to pick her boyfriend up from work, so it was rather crucial, yet we managed to miss the time marker, and we had to part ways more abruptly that planned. Which was hard because parting is very hard for us to do in the first place, so having to rush it was really lame.
At the risk of turning this update into an unreasonably sappy gush of emotions, I feel the need to let everyone (or, more accurately, no one - based on my current popularity) know that this is one of those odd times when you know that someone is very special, and you don't want to let them go, no matter what. You know deep down that this is different, and this time it's worth it to break some rules, burn some bridges and cause some havoc because taking no for an answer is not an option this time. I'm in this to win it, even if I have to shoot myself in the foot to do it, because she's worth it. Very very worth it. NRI is in full swing. look out.
I think I need to go find a quote by someone who is much better with words than me. Something that expresses the idea that I finally found my soul mate, and I want to win her heart, body, mind, and soul, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get it done; because I don't want us to miss our chance at being truly happy. And despite the fact that I'm normally a really reasonable guy that would never do this sort of thing, I don't really care if her current boyfriend gets hurt in the process. I kinda feel bad for that, but it's a chance I'm going to have to take.
So, as a "poor starving student", entertainment is at a premium in my life. By that I mean that I don't have much of it, and what I do have is usually very expensive, even if it's cheap, that's expensive. Free is pretty much the only affordable thing I can really get away with. So wow is kind of a godsend in a way. Where going to see a movie in the theater is about $15, eating out is about $15 bucks, and going to a bar and ordering only 2 or 3 drinks is $15+, you end up spending a lot of money if you do it more than once a month. Let alone weekly or daily. So when wow costs only $15 for an entire month, you understand where this can be a big selling point. Now, take that comparatively very low cost for an entire moth of entertainment, any time you feel like it, and combine it with a tendency to hermit myself away and a further tendency to become rather engrossed in the game; and then add all that to the game being the sort of setup where you feel obligated, no.... you feel it's necessary to get on and play it on a daily basis for fear of letting down your online friends and or missing out on something, including missing an event and "falling behind the curve", and you have your self a recipe for social disaster. And by that I mean, never getting up from your desk and living in what some people might call "real life". I won't get into the argument some people might make about wow and other virtual worlds being just as real. That will have to be a topic for another blog on another day.
So, anyway, point is, I quit playing wow. Again. Moving on.
I met a girl. I like her. A lot. And that's the understatement of the month, and possibly of the year. Or longer. Like most good things in life, this beast fights back. The situation, not the girl, she's not a beast. It's the kind of beast of a situation that you desperately hope it would work out well, and in your favor, and you really wish the beast would come along easily and quietly, but of course, it won't. It has to be ... complicated.
She likes me just as much as I like her, or so she tells me. She confesses that she is torn between pursuing the possibility of a fairy-tale romance and life with me, or sticking it out with her boyfriend of 2 years and much history. She and I hit it off extremely well, so well in fact that it was a little unsettling. It was the kind of set up that you see in the movies or read in the not-so-trashy romance novels that you groan at and say "that never happens". All kinds of sparks, and rainbows, and macaroni and glitter flying every which way. We talked for days straight when we met, literally, we only really paused for sleep. Somewhere in the middle of those days she let me know she has a boyfriend, which I took in stride, but it didn't seem to phase either of us, she kept talking to me, and we couldn't seem to get enough of each other. And we haven't even kissed yet, let alone anything else.
After our opening salvo of four days of not getting enough of each other, a little less than a week later to be precise, we saw each other again and had an amazing day walking around Seattle.. And then we saw each other again 1 week later and had such a good time we lost track of time. Not that that is so unusual, but it was a very strict time limit because she needed to pick her boyfriend up from work, so it was rather crucial, yet we managed to miss the time marker, and we had to part ways more abruptly that planned. Which was hard because parting is very hard for us to do in the first place, so having to rush it was really lame.
At the risk of turning this update into an unreasonably sappy gush of emotions, I feel the need to let everyone (or, more accurately, no one - based on my current popularity) know that this is one of those odd times when you know that someone is very special, and you don't want to let them go, no matter what. You know deep down that this is different, and this time it's worth it to break some rules, burn some bridges and cause some havoc because taking no for an answer is not an option this time. I'm in this to win it, even if I have to shoot myself in the foot to do it, because she's worth it. Very very worth it. NRI is in full swing. look out.
I think I need to go find a quote by someone who is much better with words than me. Something that expresses the idea that I finally found my soul mate, and I want to win her heart, body, mind, and soul, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get it done; because I don't want us to miss our chance at being truly happy. And despite the fact that I'm normally a really reasonable guy that would never do this sort of thing, I don't really care if her current boyfriend gets hurt in the process. I kinda feel bad for that, but it's a chance I'm going to have to take.
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