Longing

So, this morning I talked to my Mom, and my Grandma. It was good to chat with them both, especially since we didn't discuss any of my money issues. I hate having money issues and I feel bad that half the time I talk to my family that it ends up being the topic of conversation. However, now that I am done with my forms that needed filling out for the Dr.'s appointment I have today, I am left sitting here with nothing to do but think.

I will of course need to write up the paper I have that's due today at some point today, and email it in, and I will go see if any of the local restaurants are hiring bus boys, but for now, I seem to be stuck, in my head anyway. Oddly enough, much as I still have thoughts and craziness about moving dancing through my head, and how I'm going to live, and what to do about money if I can't find a job fast enough, but my mind keeps going back to one thing, over and over, amidst all the other thoughts that make perfect sense at the moment.

So, I talked to that girl again (finally) yesterday.I know I keep referring to her as that girl, which I suppose isn't very nice, but I don't want to name her, just in case. Although, thinking back, maybe I already did... Crap, well, anyway, screw it, her name is Thorn. So, I talked to Thorn yesterday on the phone. And now, I can't stop thinking about her again. We had a really nice conversation, and it lasted a really long time, although it felt really short. Time flies. Upon checking the call log it certainly didn't seem like 90 minutes.

Anyway, the point is, I really want to talk to her again. Now. But I can't. I don't want to text or call. I don't want to leave her an email. I mean, I want to, I really want to. But I shouldn't, so I wont. Besides, she'll probably read this, and that will makes thing complicated enough as it is. We agreed that it would be better and easier for us to have minimal contact, mainly because she wants to give her current relationship an honest and real second chance, 100%, nothing half-assed. And I completely respect that, and wish them the best. In a way. I can't help but be human, and humans are selfish, and so there is that little kernel of hope that maybe she'll come back to me. But I really do send them my best wishes.

That being said however, I am hurting right now. It really sucks not being able to talk to her, to tell her how much I miss her every day, how often I think about her, and how crushing this sometimes can feel. Funny I should use that word. Crushing. Crushed. About a week ago, I was in ASL class and was thinking of her. At that exact moment I was thinking of how much fun we had one day while walking and talking, and a classmate got my attention and pulled me out of my day dream to ask me what was wrong. Apparently, according to her, I looked "crushed". It kinda caught me off guard, I generally tend to be on the easy side of my emotions being readable by others, but I figured since I was thinking of a good memory that I would look happy at that moment. But apparently I was missing that moment more than i was relishing the memory, and it showed. I also had my teacher ask me what was wrong, and he commented 3 times that week about how sad I looked.

I think I've been doing better lately, no one has told me I look like hell this week, so either I'm hiding it better, or maybe slowly getting over it, or maybe I just have other things to worry about now. I suspect all three are true to varying degrees. But that doesn't stop me from wishing I had another chance. It doesn't stop me from opening my phone, typing a text to her, and then deleting it. Over and Over. It doesn't stop me from longing to see her, and talk to her, and touch her and hold her. Sometimes I wish I was a robot - that way I wouldn't have to feel. I know that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, and I believe it, and I stick by it. But knowing that doesn't make right now, dealing with loss, any easier. Knowing that a hardship is only temporary doesn't make the hardship any less hard. But I guess it's nice to have hope. Sorta.

Ok, I think I'm done being emo now. Well, I'm done for now anyway.