I'm having a really really hard day today. For a few different reasons. Mainly it's this feeling of aloneness. I don't think there's anything that can make you feel more alone than packing up all your stuff, by yourself, to move away from what you've become familiar and comfortable with. It pretty much the same vibe as this article I read about feeling broken. It was about this Indian goddess, I don't recall the name, but it was long and I'm sure I would mispronounce it if I tried to say it out loud. Anyway, the point was about how this goddess represents the power that is inherent in lying on the ground in your room on the floor in a broken mess. the example they gave was "such as just after a break up". How droll I thought.
Anyway, the premise was that as you lie there, a broken mess on the ground, you are actually at your most powerful, that is, you are in a state of being that has the most potential. Because you are, at that point, not limited by what you thought you were, you can now rebuild yourself into whatever you want to be, because there are no strictures at that moment. The article was good, and I enjoyed it, but there was one line that really struck home with me. It said that when you distill it down to its very core, the reason breaking up (and this could be extended to moving, I'm sure) was so hard and so emotional is that it is a form of losing your future.
That struck me in a certain light that day, when I read it. I was amazed. I never quite understood why breaking up was so hard to do, even when you're not really happy in the relationship. You have a scene, an ideal, or even just a fantasy, in your head of what you think your life is going to play out like. You think you know whats going to happen, who you're going to be with, and for how long. You have plans. You have dreams. And many of them are shared with your partner. You have a future. And when you break up, that future, such as you imagined it, is now gone. ... And that's hard. But it's not the end of the world. you still have a future. And perhaps even a better one than previously supposed. But it is often hard to see that when you're on the ground in your room sobbing into a pillow.
Oddly enough, that is how my current living situation is. I'm not happy here, but I still find it incredibly depressing to be moving. I thought I was going to be happy here. I had planned on staying for at least 5 more months. I know that's not a lot, but having guarantees in life are comforting. Five months guaranteed is better than 5 years of "maybe", right? Well, I thought so, but as I type this, my roommates are coming home, and I am realizing that that is not the case. It was definitely comforting to have a future, such as it was, but I am not really happy here, and that makes all the difference.
The new place I'm moving to will have more room, my own bathroom, my own space, access to a kitchen that I don't necessarily have to share. the works. Now, keep in mind, I do have to share - I am technically just renting a room from a friend (a really good friend, and possibly my best friend at the moment), but their house has 2 bathrooms, 2 kitchens, 2 living rooms, etc. It's a nice house. And the best part? They won't invade my privacy by going in my room when I'm not home. they won't get upset at stuff that they imagine I have done, or let little things pile up until they explode and cause huge shouting matches. In short, they are reasonable, level headed people who act like adults and actually know how to communicate rather than just act like a child and give me the silent treatment. And then yell and scream and throw a tantrum when they don't get their way. More to the point, they will let their needs be known and not expect me to read their minds. And that is a glorious thing.
In short, I have been really really depressed today to the point of crying. But now that I think about it, I'm going to be changing from being "not really happy, but comfortable" into "unsure of my future, but happy". And to me, this giant pain in the butt of moving, the shouting matches, the crying... it's all worth it. Because now I have a chance at being a lot happier.
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